You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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