MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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