you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
