who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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