apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
