Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
