I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
