that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Who died my cat blue again?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
