How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
