I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
