capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
