How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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