I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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