did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
