How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
