you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
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