if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
