you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.