Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
