i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
