So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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