The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
COCAINE IS GR8
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
