My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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