Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
