Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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