Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
