Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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