I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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