I think I died a long time ago.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
