i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
