If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She told me I should be a condom model.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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