btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
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I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
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Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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