So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
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