I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
