I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
