Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
