The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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