you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
