My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
