Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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