just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
