If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
