im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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