Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
