i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
