So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
