I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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