I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
