And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
