I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
