I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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