So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
