I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
