feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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