I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
