why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
