cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
