Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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