as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My dick has a subreddit
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
