if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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