Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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