i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
